Author: Taylor

This Is Who I Am…by Taylor

If I had to describe myself, using only three words… they would be emotional, caring, and determined. I am not a perfect human being. None of us are perfect. That may be hard for some to accept, but I accept it. I know I make mistakes. I know I can make wrong decisions, overthink, lie, and break someone’s trust with me. Those common imperfections do not define who I am as a whole, though.

    I have struggled with controlling my emotions my entire life. I tend to hide them a lot. I think I can just cry it all out in my room: alone, dim, listening to music, and praying. Praying that all the suffering goes away, and it all gets better. It feels so good to let out all the sadness, pain, and jealousy I feel. 

Then, I wake up the next day hoping I’ll be in a good mood. Sometimes I do, but that doesn’t mean always. I try to just push away all that sadness that’s trying to creep in, and I suppress it with distractions. I love to go out with my friends or spend a day doing fun activities with my family. I try so hard to just ignore it all, but it doesn’t work. There are so many nights that I go to sleep crying or overwhelmed with thoughts in my head. Do they even like me? Am I actually pretty? Do I make them feel sad, mad, or irritated? Am I annoying? Do they not love or want me anymore? Did I do this wrong? Am I a terrible person for this? I don’t want to lose them. Please forgive me. I’m sorry. I always want to do what’s right. I keep messing up. Why is this happening? I just want to stay happy. I want them to love me.

 They crowd the room in my mind and shove all the good into a corner. I don’t want to deal with them anymore. I fear they will take over. The thoughts that used to cross my mind every day were not the thoughts that I wish for anyone to have. I don’t like to recall them because I’m afraid of them haunting me again. I always say that my biggest fear is being kidnapped. To be honest, I think it’s actually losing myself. The thought of losing myself in depression, anxiety, sadness, and jealousy… to the point that I’m just numb, where I have no feelings, scares me.

    I have such a caring heart that it can be a strength and a weakness. I try my best to make others happy. If someone feels down, I want to pick them right back up. If there is any way I can put a smile on their face, make their day, or just help them out, I do whatever I can to achieve that goal. The warm, happy feeling I get every time I do this for someone fills me with joy. It’s like a built-in purpose I have in life: to make others happy. I find this to be a beautiful trait I possess, but it can get me in trouble, too. There are people in the world that see this as a weapon. They will use it to get what they want and put you in a deep hole. I want to avoid those abusers, but I show compassion to almost everyone I meet. I try to find the brighter side to them. When these people make their way into my life, I have the absolute hardest time pushing them away because I get attached to the loving, appealing side I see in them. I convince myself that they can change their bad habits, which aren’t completely wrong. Some can change for the good, but I depend on that possibility. I let people walk all over me. I take in more than I can handle. I try to be a good influence on others and a role model they can look up to. However, I need to realize that I can’t fix everything.

    Determination is one of the rarer traits I have. Not everyone strives to achieve the goals and dreams they have in life because they give up if it’s too hard to reach them. I hold on to and remind myself of them constantly. I do what I can to take one step closer to the finish line. If I want to live my life to the fullest, then I must work hard to make it the life I want it to be.

    I have come to the realization in my life that I can’t just describe myself in three words. I am many things. I have many qualities. I possess many traits. I’m emotional, controlling, anxious, angry, and sad. That’s not all of it. I’m also loving, caring, determined, beautiful, weird, helpful, friendly, and so much more. Everyone is different. I am who God made me to be. He gave me these obstacles in life because He knew I could fight my way through them by His side. He believes in me. He encourages me. He loves me. He is proud of the person I’m growing to be.

    That is where I want to end this breath of fresh air I have finally taken.

My Best Friend Hannah!… by Taylor

It’s been a while since I’ve written, and it feels good to be back and express all the good and sad things going on in my life. Today I would like to write about my best friend, Hannah. No one could beat her. I’ve written about her before, but I feel like she deserves to be written about again.

We were friends a few years ago and then lost touch with each other. If you read my other missive, then you know this. During the summer, we started hanging out again and almost immediately became close friends again. To be honest, we are closer now than we’ve ever been. We see each other at least once or twice a week and try to get together more often than that if we can. If we go three or four days without being around each other, then it feels like it’s been weeks.

She has helped me overcome some of my darkest moments. I used to feel like I had nobody until she came along. I lost my old childhood best friend and thought I wouldn’t be able to find someone else. Once we started hanging out, I knew she was going to be my “4Lifer”. I can’t count the number of times I have prayed that we never lose each other.

We are always there for each other, helping each other with school drama, family problems, and so much more. I know she will have my back no matter what, and she knows I will always have hers, too. I never realized I could be so close to someone that wasn’t family. Actually, it feels like Hannah is a part of my family.

We have an inside joke, and we can’t help but laugh when we share it. We make fun of each other but love one another for it. We lift the other up when they feel down or insecure. We get mad at the other when we’re self-critical, and we make the most of our time together. We push ourselves to the limit to help each other. We have trouble just being mad at each other because we feel like we could then lose our best friend.

We made plans that when we finish college; we are going to buy a bus and make it a recreational vehicle to use in traveling. Hannah wants to make it “boho” themed, which is like a hippie theme. To be honest, she is way better at decorating than me, so I’ll let her do whatever. We want to travel the world together. Then, we want to settle down in our thirties to make our own families and live our lives.

I’m planning on making a bucket list for us. We can do all the things together that we never thought we’d do. She is the one person who I feel like I could do anything with.

I can’t wait to order her a Christmas present and then watch as she opens it. I also want us to have a winter photoshoot. Christmas is my favorite holiday, so I am so eager for it to arrive. I also want it to snow like it did last year too.

I hope that we always stick together and never become too distant. She is one of the best things to happen to me and I will always try my best to hold on to her and not let go. I hope everyone finds the friend they need, like I did with Hannah.

I would also like to let Hannah know I dedicate the song “Count on Me” by Bruno Mars, to us 🧡.

When Someone Love’s You… by Taylor

“When someone loves you, the way they talk about you is different. You feel safe and comfortable.”–Jess C. Scott.

This quote can shine a light on many people. When one is younger, such as me, people think that just because someone is cute and popular, they are perfect. That is wrong because no one is perfect. However, that is not the only part that matters. You don’t have to be the best looking or most popular. Your personality and demeanor can tell a lot about you.

Also, you should not talk to many people at the same time and make them feel as if they are the only one you like. And don’t cheat on the one you love. If you do, that is proof you do not love them enough to be loyal. They should stay loyal to you, too. They must not cheat on you behind your back.

That special person in your life shouldn’t make you feel down or sad all the time. It’s okay if you get into a fight sometimes, but not every day! You should feel secure with them, not scared. They should make you feel beautiful inside and out. They should be a respectful and have a beneficial influence.

If they are gone a lot and don’t talk to you often, then they don’t care about you. When they are in the wrong and won’t change themselves for the good, then they do not deserve you. They should always try their best to make your lives together happy and special. They should hold up their part of the deal when you both said, “I do.” 😂

Even if you haven’t found that special person, don’t run off with the first one that likes you. Always hold your standards high and be at least a little hard to get. That will show them what you expect and that you aren’t easily taken advantage of. Do not be unhappy because you haven’t had that special relationship yet. Instead, enjoy the time you have while you wait.

When you are near someone special, you feel butterflies in your stomach and can’t say enough to describe how you feel. There are no words that have the value they deserve.

That special person not only lifts you up when you fall but shares your pain when you’re hurt. They know what to say when you don’t, how to cheer you up, and what makes you happy. They would never leave you for someone else. They should be your best friend and want to live the rest of their life with you.

Never betray them. Give the same respect, love, and loyalty they give you. Stay on the same path together, or else you might lose each other on the journey. All of this will let you know if they are the “Special” one in your life.

Shifting Shadows… by Taylor

Shifting shadows can mean a lot of things, but the way I take it shows a part of my life. I’m not perfect, no one is. Everyone struggles with something in their life. I struggle with anxiety, and I used to be depressed. Thankfully, my depression has improved considerably this summer.

To me, shifting shadows are the bad thoughts and events that have occurred in my life. It was as if they always hunted me down. I tried to hide, but they always found me. I never wanted to give up, but I felt like I was going to. I had a therapist and when I talked to her, they would hide, but not for long. When I got home; they came after me again. Like a predator hunting its prey, and I was the prey. My thoughts would tear me down and take me deep inside my mind, the one place I didn’t want to be. No one wants to be there.

I tried to escape many times, but those awful thoughts always came back. It was an endless loop. If some didn’t bother me anymore, others would come. It was a constant battle of the mind.

Eventually, it started going away. After I got saved at church, my depression started gradually declining. Eventually I started paying more attention in church, and this past summer everything was going great for me. I gained the will to quit basketball, which lifted an immense weight off of my shoulders. I started hanging out with an old friend again and we both got saved in our church. We are inseparable now. I pray that I never lose her friendship. My sophomore year only started a few weeks ago, but I’m having a fantastic school time so far.

I am making more friends, and my classes aren’t that bad. I am happy in my life right now and I never want it to end. I thank God for His blessings and I thank Him for this beautiful life that I love. Even though I have struggled so much, He has always been here, right beside me through everything. Look at me now. This feels like one of the best years of my life, even when there is some crazy pandemic happening.

I feel like nothing can take this year away from me. I have had so many people help me through this, too. My family and friends have helped more than they could ever understand.

I want to give a small nod to my friend, Hannah. I don’t want to get all mushy here, but she really helped when she started hanging out with me more. She has made a big impact on my life, and I doubt she realizes it. Thank you so much, Hannah.

That is my story of how, no matter what attacks you, God can always help. You just have to go to Him. Do not pull away. He will always be there for you. He always has for me, by lifting those shifting shadows I struggled with.

Sisterly Love… by Taylor

I’ve written about several people in my life, but not about my sister. She is a precious person in my life. If I did not have her, I probably wouldn’t be me. To be honest, I feel like there are many things that I have learned from her and didn’t notice. She has been a steady influence on my life. She was there when I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone else. She helps me when I’m in a predicament, and she will even tidy my room when I have someone coming over. She plays a much bigger part in my life than I thought.

Just because we are sisters does not mean that we always get along. We fight, argue, and bicker at each other constantly. That doesn’t mean we aren’t close, though. When you have a sibling, no matter how far apart or different you are, you always have a close connection.

My way of showing love is by teasing. If I don’t mess around with you, then something’s not right. I don’t hug my sister a lot, but she is the one I tease the most. I mess with her constantly. I bug her when she wants to be alone; push her over the edge when she’s mad, and I call her names when she does something dumb. That just means that I love her uncontrollably.

We used to play with barbies and little figurines all the time. Not that she wanted to, but I had mama make her. I always wanted to play with her and we played one of the most common little kid games named family. I always wanted to be the mother. We also played a game called school a lot. We always took turns being the teacher, but I think she was it more though.

As we got older, she stopped hanging out and playing with me as much, and it made me really sad. She is only a year and a half older than me, but when she started acting more like a teenager, it kind of got to me. I felt like she didn’t want to do anything with me. It still feels like that, but I understand more now since we are both teenagers and like to do our own things.

I know she will always be here for me. I hope she knows I will always have her back, too. I will fight or stand up to anyone for her. If you try to stop me, you are out of luck. I remember kids that were older than me picking on her, and I would put myself right out there for her. I did not care one bit that they were older and bigger than me. I love my sister and always will. She is my best friend.

This is her senior year in high school, and it saddens me to know that I only have one more year to spend with her. I know it will feel really different without her. She stays in the room right across from mine and after she leaves, it’s going to feel very lonely up here on the 2nd floor of our home. We are the only ones with a room upstairs and I’m going to miss just popping in on her while she was having “alone time”, or us raiding the fridge and cabinets for food at midnight. Most of all, I’m just going to miss her. She really means a lot to me. I know it’s going to feel like a part of me is missing. I hope she has fun before she goes off to start her own journey. I love you sis, forever and always.

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