If I had to describe myself, using only three words… they would be emotional, caring, and determined. I am not a perfect human being. None of us are perfect. That may be hard for some to accept, but I accept it. I know I make mistakes. I know I can make wrong decisions, overthink, lie, and break someone’s trust with me. Those common imperfections do not define who I am as a whole, though.
I have struggled with controlling my emotions my entire life. I tend to hide them a lot. I think I can just cry it all out in my room: alone, dim, listening to music, and praying. Praying that all the suffering goes away, and it all gets better. It feels so good to let out all the sadness, pain, and jealousy I feel.
Then, I wake up the next day hoping I’ll be in a good mood. Sometimes I do, but that doesn’t mean always. I try to just push away all that sadness that’s trying to creep in, and I suppress it with distractions. I love to go out with my friends or spend a day doing fun activities with my family. I try so hard to just ignore it all, but it doesn’t work. There are so many nights that I go to sleep crying or overwhelmed with thoughts in my head. Do they even like me? Am I actually pretty? Do I make them feel sad, mad, or irritated? Am I annoying? Do they not love or want me anymore? Did I do this wrong? Am I a terrible person for this? I don’t want to lose them. Please forgive me. I’m sorry. I always want to do what’s right. I keep messing up. Why is this happening? I just want to stay happy. I want them to love me.
They crowd the room in my mind and shove all the good into a corner. I don’t want to deal with them anymore. I fear they will take over. The thoughts that used to cross my mind every day were not the thoughts that I wish for anyone to have. I don’t like to recall them because I’m afraid of them haunting me again. I always say that my biggest fear is being kidnapped. To be honest, I think it’s actually losing myself. The thought of losing myself in depression, anxiety, sadness, and jealousy… to the point that I’m just numb, where I have no feelings, scares me.
I have such a caring heart that it can be a strength and a weakness. I try my best to make others happy. If someone feels down, I want to pick them right back up. If there is any way I can put a smile on their face, make their day, or just help them out, I do whatever I can to achieve that goal. The warm, happy feeling I get every time I do this for someone fills me with joy. It’s like a built-in purpose I have in life: to make others happy. I find this to be a beautiful trait I possess, but it can get me in trouble, too. There are people in the world that see this as a weapon. They will use it to get what they want and put you in a deep hole. I want to avoid those abusers, but I show compassion to almost everyone I meet. I try to find the brighter side to them. When these people make their way into my life, I have the absolute hardest time pushing them away because I get attached to the loving, appealing side I see in them. I convince myself that they can change their bad habits, which aren’t completely wrong. Some can change for the good, but I depend on that possibility. I let people walk all over me. I take in more than I can handle. I try to be a good influence on others and a role model they can look up to. However, I need to realize that I can’t fix everything.
Determination is one of the rarer traits I have. Not everyone strives to achieve the goals and dreams they have in life because they give up if it’s too hard to reach them. I hold on to and remind myself of them constantly. I do what I can to take one step closer to the finish line. If I want to live my life to the fullest, then I must work hard to make it the life I want it to be.
I have come to the realization in my life that I can’t just describe myself in three words. I am many things. I have many qualities. I possess many traits. I’m emotional, controlling, anxious, angry, and sad. That’s not all of it. I’m also loving, caring, determined, beautiful, weird, helpful, friendly, and so much more. Everyone is different. I am who God made me to be. He gave me these obstacles in life because He knew I could fight my way through them by His side. He believes in me. He encourages me. He loves me. He is proud of the person I’m growing to be.
That is where I want to end this breath of fresh air I have finally taken.