Tag: family


The Two Most Important Days in My Life


 I ran across this quote by Mark Twain the other day: “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” 

It takes most of us a long time to “find out why.”  Unfortunately, I was in my early 50s before I finally figured it out.  I always assumed that my goal was to advance as far up the ladder with my company as I could and to provide an enjoyable life for my family.  That was the goal of my parents and of our extended family, thus it became my goal as well.  Only in my 50s did I realize that my life on this beautiful planet went beyond that simple goal. 

We have all heard many times that money cannot buy happiness, but a recent study contradicts that emphatically.  It shows that over the last few decades people are more inclined to say that having sufficient money in their savings account relieves a lot of financial pressure and makes life easier.  That has been the case in my life, and I don’t know anyone with sufficient financial resources who is unhappy unless they have health problems.  On the other hand, I know several who lack those resources and struggle daily as a result. 

   The only bone of contention I have with the study is that it cannot acknowledge the degree of happiness that financial independence brings.  Personally, I believe it only gets you on the first rung of the ladder.  Other things allow you to advance upward, such as sustained health for yourself and for your loved ones; having a significant person in your life to share your life with; and having an extended group of family and friends that are involved in helping you live a robust, yet relaxing lifestyle.  

Some say that as we grow older we gain a “crystalized intelligence” that will continue to get better as we age, and that we will often become more agreeable and less prone to anger.  Scientists haven’t been able to pin this down but they think that older people are able to control their emotions better and focus on how to make life happier. 

Now we get to the “find out why” in Twain’s quote.  When we eventually get past the desire to collect as many “things” as we can to prop up our feeling of self-worth, and after we have travelled to the many places we thought would add adventure to our mostly dull existence, we come to realize that something is missing.  It took me a long time to think outside the bubble of my life where the question was always, “What’s best for me?”  As I got older, I thought about what I could do for others.  My wife and I live a comfortable life and can help.  We have decided that we want to help those people in our lives who need a helping hand.  We have all heard the old axiom, “It is better to give than to receive,” but I doubt many of us felt that to be true, especially if your life has been a series of financial struggles.    

   As a younger man, I could donate to charity by having my employer withhold a generous amount from my bi-monthly paycheck and each year I could look with satisfaction at the amount.  After I retired, that option wasn’t available, so I had to figure out another plan.  Now when December rolls around, we sit down and write checks to our favorite charities.  The satisfaction derived from this effort definitely lowers my stress levels because we know that we are helping people who are, perhaps, unable to help themselves. 

   Yup, it took me a long time to find out why I have been placed on this earth.  I am confident that a lot of us never figure that out.  If I had asked my parents that question, they would have responded, “to raise you two boys,” and they would have been content with that answer.  I remember my mother calling me about a year after my father passed away in 1986 and saying, “Tommy Joe (she never called me Tommy), I want to let you know that I have $50,000 in the bank.”  This was Dad’s goal in life—plus a Lincoln Continental sitting in the driveway😊.  That was it, no higher motivation, no helping the sick or poor, no helping the sad looking Vietnam veteran sitting at the stoplight with a cardboard sign pleading for money to buy food.  This is the way it was back in my hometown all those many years ago.  There was no safety net if your life took a rapid turn for the worse, so people weren’t inclined to help.  

   But in my many yearly trips back home, I have seen that change, not because the people there are now wealthier, but because they have become more enlightened.  They too, have come to realized why they have been placed on this planet, and they know it’s not just to accumulate $50,000 in the bank.  You may think I’m being critical of my parents and the people in my hometown during that time, but you would be wrong!  I’m proud of my hillbilly heritage, and my core values came from those fine people, but it’s difficult to visualize a higher purpose in life when you’re struggling to put food on the dinner table.  I probably have an ulterior motive in my enlightened attitude: “I’m not looking for a hole in the ground, I’m looking for one in the sky.”  —Keen Mountain Boys.

   Two weeks ago, my wife and I were walking one of our favorite trails and came upon a fellow standing by his bicycle taking a break.  As we approached him, he started a conversation, so we paused to talk with him for a while.  He informed us that he rode this trail on his bike every day and wanted to know how often we walked it.  I informed him that we walked it every Wednesday, and then I pointed out in a friendly manner that the trail was three miles long, but for him to get the same cardiovascular benefits as us he would have to bike 21 miles.  A one-mile walk was equal to seven miles of biking.  In retrospect, it was probably impolite for me to make that point, but I did, and he didn’t seem offended.  During our conversation, I also glibly told him about the monthly walking challenges I have with my three granddaughters.  He responded that at his age (he appeared younger than me), he no longer wanted to create challenges in his life.  That caught me by surprise because challenges to me are part of what makes life interesting.  Reminds me of a quote often attributed to Glenn Campbell (the singer): “I can still jump as high, I just can’t stay up as long.”

   Come to think of it, my life is full of challenges: writing this weekly missive, getting 10,000 steps daily, getting 7 hours of sleep each night 😊, lifting weights—I could go on, but the list would be way too long.  I can only imagine how boring my life would be if I didn’t have daily challenges.  Some are a lot tougher than others, but they all dance to a tune that make my life taste like a piece of pecan pie with a big ole slab of vanilla ice cream on the top. 😊  “Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” —Joshua J. Marine

  New Word for the Day:

  Philomath: a lover of learning, a student or scholar.  One of my granddaughters is a philomath.  I just love learning unfamiliar words.  I hope wherever you are on this wonderful planet that the people you love return that wonderful feeling in abundance.  —Tommy


Lessons From Andy


On my top five list of all-time favorite television shows, The Andy Griffith Show remains in the #1 spot!  No matter how many times I watch any one of the 249 half-hour episodes, they never fail to give me a lingering smile and a few belly laughs.  I never tire of watching the old show.  It is my “go to” TV time when I need to just clear my mind, cheer myself up, or just relax. 

It first aired in 1960, two years before I was born.  The last episode aired in 1968.  As a child, I was not allowed to watch much television.  So, I wasn’t exposed to my all-time favorite show until my adult years.  I am very thankful for syndication.  I cannot imagine my life without having enjoyed the wonderment of such talents as Andy Griffith, Don Knotts, Ron Howard, and countless others who graced the world-famous Mayberry stage.

The Andy Griffith Show has stood the test of time and continues to be one of the most watched and enjoyed shows in television history.  I believe what makes the show so timeless is its humble and pure, all American roots, it’s strong family and community values that always tug at your heart strings.  And it is always served with a side order of comedy and a Southern twang.   

There is a lot to be learned from watching The Andy Griffith Show.  The “lessons” as I like to call them, are woven throughout the episodes.  Placed in true to life situations that anyone can relate to.  Strong morals are sprinkled throughout almost every story line.  Some episodes are just pure comedy of course, with the expected silliness and slapstick humor. But more than not, there is a good ole fashioned lesson to be learned in there.

My point being made by the fact that many Christian churches have chosen to use some Andy Griffith Show episodes to teach their youth life lessons.  Ones that can help them become more well-rounded individuals.  When I first heard of this being done in my own neck of the woods, I thought, “Wow, what an awesome idea!”  If more children watched The Andy Griffith Show instead of playing violent video games, I believe we’d have happier kids and parents.  Maybe I’m just dreaming, but the positivity offered abundantly in these episodes certainly can’t hurt.

Most of Andy’s lessons on the show are given to his young son Opie.  The on-screen chemistry between these two can have you believing they are actual father and son.   Every given chance, Andy is offering his boy words of wisdom and insight, that if collected and stored, will help Opie throughout his entire life.  Just like a loving dad should do.  But too many times in real life, that ball is dropped by a parent.  I think there are lessons for the adults in these episodes as well.

Over the years I have met many people who share my sentiments.  I no longer feel weird, or silly that I get so much joy from an old TV show.  I’ve concluded that if a person is also an Andy Griffith fan, then they are a person I want to get to know.    

So, if you have never watched The Andy Griffith Show, or it’s been a while, may I suggest that you catch an episode now and then.  And if you fall in love with the show like I did, you can binge watch on Netflix, or find the entire 249-episode collection on DVD.  You might want to check out the episode titled “Fun Girls” for your PG-13 entertainment.  And if you want to sit down and enjoy a good family episode with your children, I suggest the title “Mr. McBeeVee”.  These are two of my all-time faves!  Happy watching.   

                                               JoAnn


Being Mortal


I recently finished reading “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande and found it quite interesting. The book’s main theme was how we deal with our own dying.  He thinks that most of us never think about our death until we feel it is about 10 years away.  I often joked that I thought “being old” was always ten years older than I was.  George Burns, who lived to the ripe old age of 100, said that he never bought bananas that were not ripe, nor ordered a 3-minute boiled egg.  

Mr. Gawande says our goal should be to have a good life and not worry about death.  He believes that life is a series of peaks and valleys and studies have shown that we remember only the peaks and whatever happens at the end.  The valleys? Not so much!  He talks about watching a football game (60 minutes) and your team dominates up until the last three minutes and then they lose the game.  Their fans leave the stadium disgusted, even though for 57 of those minutes their team dominated, and they were extremely happy.  They only remembered the last 3 minutes.  He goes on to say that life is not the average of our life experiences but the feelings of our experiences.  As we all know, story endings matter and we always want a happy ending.  We want our pain to be brief and our pleasure long lasting.  He believes that we have two parts within us:  The “Remembering Self” and the “Experiencing Self”.  the “Remembering Self” recalls the peaks and some valleys while the “Experiencing Self” is totally involved in the moment. 

As we grow older, I believe we become more of the “Remembering Self” and less of the “Experiencing Self”.  I find myself in that mode a lot at my age, and I am completely unaware when it started.  I realize it takes a lot of courage to stare down the muzzle of a gun, and it takes an equal amount of courage to face your eventual demise.  Courage is showing strength and resolve, knowing you are in imminent danger.   

Socrates said, “True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us.”

About 24 million children in America, or 1 out of every 3, live in homes without a father.  That is disturbing.  As a young boy growing up in the “40’s & 50s, every family I knew had both parents.  Of course, there were a lot fewer people and the divorce rate was very small. 

I ran across the following article in a email I received from the “Morning Brew”:

                                 Earth’s Population

  • 50,000 B.C.E (before the common era for non-Christians): 2
  • 8,000 B.C.E., the dawn of agriculture: 5 million 
  • 1 C.E (common era).: 300 million
  • 1850: 1.3 billion
  • Today: 7.7 billion
  • 2050: 9.7 billion projected

Bottom line: More than 108 billion people have ever been born on this planet. The number of people alive right now represents roughly 7% of the total number of humans who have ever lived.

As we see, there are currently 7.7 billion of us and a lot has changed since those two people walked around at the beginning.  A lot of it was good and some of it not-so-much.  Especially, as it pertains to families.  A simple Google search reveals that in the USA at least 50% of families get divorced.  That is a staggering number!  Of course, I stand firmly in that statistic, having divorced after 32 years of marriage.  Fortunately, our two children were adults, but that still doesn’t eliminate the damage a divorce does to everyone involved.  Mom & Dad being together seems to be the glue that holds the universe together, and when their relationship crashes and burns, their children are left with a big hole in their heart that seems to never close.  I think that is true no matter their age. 

So, how can we improve that situation?  I believe that the reason marriages lasted longer 75 years ago is that more people belonged to a religion.  They concentrated more on obeying the laws of their religion and, as we all know, most religions specify fidelity in a marriage.  I do believe that if I had been more religious, I would have tried harder to make my marriage work. 

I also believe religion requires you to treat your spouse with kindness and respect, something that is missing in a lot of relationships.  Do I think that being religious would drop the 50% divorce rate to 25% or less?  It worked back then and there is no reason it cannot happen now.

When it comes to your children, parents mostly feel as Elizabeth Stone does: “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body,”.  

Therein lies the reason to make your marriage work.

I was watching the Chernobyl mini-series on HBO last week and was moved by it.  At the end someone said, “Every time you lie you incur a debt to the truth and sooner or later that debt has to be paid”.  I gave that some thought, and I completely agree with that idea.  It’s a perspective that we should adopt and instill in our children.  We were all raised to understand that lying was wrong, and we know that if we lie in court, we can be incarcerated, but we never assumed that lies accumulated and at some time in the future we had to suffer in some way for those lies.  We can all find situations where a “little white lie” seems to be necessary.  It may be that we do it to spare hurting someone’s feelings, or, we do it because we were asked a question that we did not want to answer truthfully and felt it necessary to tell a falsehood.  There are times when we “stretch” the truth in order to make the situation seem better than it was.  My ex-wife used to say that, “to deceive is worse than lying” whenever she detected that I wasn’t being completely honest with her.  My reasoning was that she couldn’t handle the truth and would become very upset.  Our two children always avoided telling her bad new because of her inability to handle it.  Maybe, we should have been truthful and accepted the consequences but all three of us chose to avoid that at all costs.  I think at some point, deceiving (lying) takes its toll on you and starts to chip away at your self-respect.  After we divorced, I vowed to never again be caught in that situation and my life has been much happier.  I also think God is much happier with me 😊.

Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind… Austin O’Malley

I hope that wherever you are on this wonderful planet of ours that you are loved by your friends and family as much as I am loved by mine.  May you always be treated with kindness and respond with humility…..Tommy